Christina Barrett: 12/01/12

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Dream

I just dreamed I was rewriting my dream.

The bad part was my dad came in and I slammed my colored pencil into the sofa chair. he came back again and I did the same thing. He was sitting on it next to me and my finger pressed against his finger tip, and I felt a little ball of energy like smash.

So, I was writing about my experience.

So, I remember I was next to my cousin. I said she was so cute but indicated I didn't want to be like her. My grandma was hovering over us. I think I was sleeping on a couch bed in sheets. It was rather miserable. There was something about her mom in it.

I guess I had another dream before this. I was on a trip. I was getting food. I tasted some of a wrap and put it back. It looked like I hadn't. I came back and there was nothing I could by. There was a small bowl of small shrimp and marinara for $12.99. I was to go on a plane. My aunt's husband was there. I think I was at the store, and his daughter came in, who's older than me, and I said hi. The person working at the store was Ellen DeGeneres. She like smiled. I found a little stuffed elephant keychain that was about 2 inches tall. There were 2 other sizes and some orange ones, that were kinda flat. The biggest size was maybe 5 inches. The other was maybe 2-3 inches. I think I got it. I was at a big store going down the aisles, and it seemed like a big, clean store back in the early 90s maybe. I asked if it was the same candy in each aisle. I said there were no big M&Ms in 1 aisle. I got them. I reached into my pocket for the cash, maybe a $10, $5, some $1 bills and coins. I think it was like $12 or $15. It was like a package bag. The M&Ms were big and round but probably not peanut-filled. I have a feeling I was carried for some reason after. We were on the sidewalk wondering about the pain ride. I said you should have told me. I thought getting food would only be 2 minutes, not 5.

The dream I described 1st was pretty long. I had written a lot. There was the idea someone gave me you write about your life and show people in a binder. So, I was gonna put these papers online. I had a section of little paragraphs like poems. It was about what I had dreamed. The pencil. I think they saw. I think they saw me get mad later. I felt insulted, but then the message made sense. I just had bad chemistry psychiatrically. It's too bad, I thought I was settling down from being mad last night.

I wanted help for "what I actually did." My dad came home, and we were in a more public-looking place. My mom was gaping at my thought.

Bothered

I always felt bothered and like what I did was a waste. Whenever we moved, I started a new leaf.

R E S P E C T

So, you respect older people, but you don't respect me.

Odd

Why people born in 1958 dedicate their lives to perversion?

Exercise Tapes

We never got any, and you couldn't get them online.

Setbacks and Stubbornness

When I came home from my 1st year of college, I thought my life was being monitored, like on tape.. I was trying to get really healthy.. I got wind that in a way that's deceitful, to waste my life rather than focusing on studying or being let out to work or making my way in another way... I still experienced setbacks and stubbornness. I guess I was hungry for junk food.

Problems

Actually, I was well off when I was about 10. I developed when I was 11. We moved, and things were never really good. I got in high school, and things were okay. After that, I became more and more artistic as a person. However, I had problems dieting and regaining weight. I went to college, and I think I really damaged myself though was eating so much "good" food and exercising daily, well 5 days a week.. I later succeeded in maybe an hour a day. However, now, I don't feel I can. I just feel like I'm missing an organ or something.

Disturbed

Well, I do want to be the best that I can. I feel people in gymnastics let off. I wouldn't have been so good if I didn't keep at it since I was 1 3|4. I technically took some breaks maybe when I was 2.

Another Big Thing for Me

I didn't feel like playing the piano.

Ex-er-cise

It seems like I just had to exercise. Well in advance, my dad informed us that a health center would be built upon our arrival. It wasn't.

Knew You Wouldn't Like It

It seems funny that you'd privately find it so amusing that I complained all the time as a tween. At first, I was just being funny. I never thought anyone would appreciate how I was and that if they knew they'd be really mad.

I'm not sure. I just liked to socialize and was really mad that people reacted like I was tacky.

What Changed

I'm not sure what got into me. Well, now I think it's because this attractive girl a little younger with all white hair moved from L.A. my last year before moving away from Florida.

About My Discomforts as a Teen

I guess it's become "interesting" what it was like moving to the New Orleans area. I think I was already pretty mad. Suddenly, my mom stopped having us walk around as much and I gained weight and it was painful. I was already being taunted as a complainer. I pretty much said I knew I wouldn't like it, unless maybe we moved to the city and it turned out we didn't, like it was funny because it wasn't. So, I kept saying that because they didn't seem to understand and was pretty mad, too, though, though I don't remember exactly the nature of what I said nor what I would have to say. I don't think it's a big deal because I was just complaining based on how I felt. It was supposedly unpleasant. Anyway, we got there and I just felt really uncomfortable until I went to a public school. I went to a public school in 1st & 2nd, I mean kindergarten and 1st grade. That was the one time we lived in the city, like in a major city where the school was.

I always thought people should eventually feel sorry for me because I couldn't fix my life. I was fat, for the 1st time, had quit gymnastics and could not find a ballet school. I didn't have anywhere to "play." I did cross country in high school. In public schools in the area, I know they have track. So, it was really embarrassing. I wasn't really fat, but my face lost its profile. I was already getting fatter where I lived before and I thought it was because we stopped walking. I did tennis once a week, not sure we practiced a lot. I got fat the beginning of my 1st year of 5th grade, but it was so busy I got skinnier.

Slept Through

This is the 1st time I slept through the night. I hit my forehead on the bath faucet about a week ago. I was out for like 4 hours yesterday, but I have been before, though I'd been up since midnight. I'm still tired and going back to bed or maybe just sorta coasting online.

Dream

I was at this place where we did stuff. In the end, I was like in a room like my garage and I was filling out a paper that said what I did, gymnastics. I filled out the last thing that said I did intermediate. I missed like 10 spaces above, though. I was envisioning this faded room with a rough floor. I was ready to get to work, for some reason.

Edit

Edited symbols on left.

A Bit Uncomfortable

A Bit Irritated, like in my crotch but not much - kinda winded but not blown away, just worried about what like my dad will react to my postings, hopefully a civil fashion

Nitey

Edits

I edited some of my posts.

Edit

I added symbols on the left.

People Upset With Me

I got mad at a racist person on IM.

Disturbed?

Yes, I couldn't believe what it was like moving to Orlando, what I felt when I was in my room. I couldn't even control myself, at all, really. I'm from Southeastern, Northeastern, Southeastern, and Northeastern Florida, too.

Interesting!

I got "the" message that maybe I tag people. Well, just so you know, that's what tweens and teens are supposed to do.

Maybe, I'm not always like appropriate. Arrange your life.

Problem

I got a sarcastic message.

HELP

I totally just got a vision of me ******** someone, like they have on the logo of this TV show. I posted before something about this and then got really mad and deleted it all when I woke up.

* * *

PEOPLE THINK I DESERVE THIS

Disturbed About an Old Friend

Now, I'm disturbed people are mad at me for talking to her thinking she was kidding not wanting to talk to me. You know, I met someone her mom's age who kid around with me and made it my fault, without like directly doing so.

I don't know, but I think something happened and then her cousin came over and she said blood was thicker than water. It ruined my school year. I talked to my mom about it, and she cooed me.

The Hospital

I went to the mental hospital after singing on YouTube.

What I Believe In

So, I already don't believe in death, but I still believe in the GAME OF LIFE

In the Situation

Let's see, how can I fix my situation? Whose fault is it really? I mean, it seems like someone doesn't care.

Oh no!

A bad word came to my mind in the mist.

FIX IT

So, you sit there and complain about nothing and don't FIX IT.

Romantic Stimulation

I don't only feel romantic stimulation in the traditional spots.

Answer

So, answer, why are you telling me it's okay that I lose my female parts.

Stimulating Myself

I was encouraged to stimulate myself up north and when I came back to Orlando. My mom kept waking me up.

Unacceptable

I will never accept this. I mostly blame people for stimulating me in weird ways and figuring this is payback. I want to know!

Not a Bribe 8I

I feel as though me losing my female thing is a bribe as a fan of Ellen DeGeneres. However, it was not good for me, and I don't think I should have it removed.

Being Selfless

So, Ellen DeGeneres inherently believes it is selfless to not like your kids. I totally disagree with that side of thinking to exist at all. It doesn't exist for me. I got indicated that it was forced upon others, but I believe it is also a decision and that no one in their right mind would ever make the wrong decision unless they are imperfect.

Hearing and Seeing Things

After I take Risperdal, I hear things. Except, this time it sounds real and it's not nice. I'm also seeing things.

Mad

I guess I am most mad my dad must have had his fill.

In a "Bad" Way 8|

You know, the medicine took away my female thing in a bad way. I will never contend to it because it is 2-sided. I think it is even a touchy topic as to if it is even okay. =I My doctor told me it'd come back.

A Very Bad Thing

So, it really is a very bad thing. Even if there is someone cool like Ellen DeGeneres without kids, though maybe she can still have kids. I guess she should plan to have a daughter ASAP, except she needs a good man. Don't ask me for anyone because I don't know anyone who's like touchy feely like her.

People Being Born

I guess I sit here and really wonder why I was born. I am interested in the idea of keeping making people because I don't believe we die.

Dangerous

This may be extra information, but did you know it's altogether dangerous?

My Female Thing

Isn't it horrible I lost my female thing? Well, I had it a little, earlier today. =} I mean, think about it. It didn't just like come more. Oops! I forgot that's what other meds do. I don't know why I stood it. I really don't. It's my aunt's fault! '8{

I'm uncomfortable following Ellen DeGeneres. Tim Burton and Johnny Depp had their kids, late. I feel as though that's the reason I don't have my female thing. There really are 2 major points. My body changed taking the meds, though I had some problems and it probably fixed some, though I didn't need it, which is like illegal.. The other problem is I think everyone cares that their female thing is good, in case they have a baby, most people wanting one someday. I guess I'm uncomfortable because of Ellen, but I'm kinda mad at the whole situation, to be honest. I'm mostly mad about the important part, not about how I feel. I mean, I know it's sorta an idea I am not having kids now, but will I someday? I guess it saves it for later. It's just altogether detrimental to have your decaying female thing.

Oh no! ^0^

Now, I'm getting cramps. You know, I get painful attacks a little. :| It surprises me. I mean, I've had the really unbearable pain. It's just a rupturing threat!

Not Feeling on the Bright Side

My bathroom is somehow flooded about an inch or 2. So, I had to wear my old high heels that don't fit with socks and my feet hurt.

Slight Problem

The other problem was I needed it. I took too many courses. The full load, 19 and then I think 21. However, some of those classes were merely Ballet, Ensemble.

Also, I was told I should get out of American History APG in 11th grade, but I was stunned. They didn't force me, but I ended up changing other classes. The teacher was attractive.

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Saturday, December 1, 2012